


Can't Believe It

by ShootingStarNeo



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Gen, So much angst, Tricksters, also i felt like making a strider cry this evening, because dirk's self-hatred needs to be addressed damnit, i like making striders cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-01-21
Packaged: 2017-11-26 08:14:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/648463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShootingStarNeo/pseuds/ShootingStarNeo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We both know you’re never going to be happy under ordinary circumstances.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Believe It

It’s all a lie, and you know it.

Jake sits cuddled up in your lap, murmuring the sweetest of nothings in your ear, telling you how he’s sorry, how he didn’t mean to be _so_ inconsiderate, how he was such a fool to not see how much you loved him and just wanted to be with him. Roxy and Jane sit on either side of you, your hands all linked together in a chaste daisy chain of sweet puppy love. You can’t help but grin, an ear-to-ear, face-splitting smile that could outshine the sun. Everything’s so wonderful!

 Your broad smile cracks. One minute it’s bright, and genuine. You’re happy! You’re happy to be with your friends and not have to be fighting all the time. You’re happy that you’ve solved all your personal problems like this. You couldn’t be happier.

The next , the smile is a broken mask because you can’t, just can’t, keep pretending. _It’s all a lie._

The sugary poison that’s leeched its way into your brain can’t keep the thought down. It chases it down through your neurons and synapses, infecting everything with bright, artificial splashes of color. But the thought keeps coming back. And coming back. _It’s all a lie._

You want so badly to believe the lie, to stare up at the wizard without knowing you’d already seen behind the curtain. And who wouldn’t? The lie was the shortcut. It was bright. It was easy. It was happy. _You’re_ happy. Everyone around you is happy and smiling and loving and _why can’t you be happy too, you_ freak?

You wanted this to stop. That was why you gave in and swallowed the lie.

 _We both know you’re never going to be happy under ordinary circumstances_ echoes through your mind. _Never going to be happy,_ and it’s your voice that says it. You believed him, because who else would you listen to if not yourself? You knew it was true to begin with, and you had to stop kidding yourself.

You thought those thoughts would stop if you gave in, though. And yet you sit, the illusion wavering before your eyes. There is something truly, deeply, _fundamentally_ wrong with you.

_You aren’t normal. You aren’t like the others. You can’t be happy._

The thought makes the back of your eyes burn, out of nowhere. You blink, quickly, behind the shades, trying to quell the feeling.

There’s an _I love you_ from the voice that keeps whispering in your ear, three words you longer to hear that voice say, and yet you think _it’s all a lie._

_You’re never going to be happy._

Your eyes burn. Something warm and wet runs down your cheek. You try to blink back the feeling, to keep it hidden like so, so many times before but you can’t. Another tear follows the first. Then another.

Jake notices first, lifting his head from your shoulder and watching the water drip down your face like it’s something alien, something unnatural.

“Dirk?” he asks. “Why are you crying?”

He acts like he cares. That makes it worse. Jake shifts, lightly, floating in that weird way that only you candy-colored freaks can, gently cupping your face in his hands and touching your foreheads together. He tries to look over your shades. You don’t want him to.

“Please, love,” Jake says, “tell me what’s wrong.” He acts like he cares.

_It’s all a lie._

_You don’t care. You never did. You can’t love a person like me._

You take a deep, shaking breath. The deep thoughts, the secret thoughts, come crashing out of you in an unstoppable wave. The first insecurity is the key to all the rest.

 _Why would anyone ever even_ want _me?_

The girls catch on now and murmur soft, empty comforts to you. Jake holds you and the contact makes you nearly physically sick, it’s so false and forced. It’s the lie. He _left_ and he would not have come back if not for the saccharine falsity. They should have just left you alone in your land, gone off and gavolted happily somewhere without the one who’s too damn sharp, too damn perceptive, who’s own damn robots acted more human than you did.

You just want this to stop. You want it all to stop and not have to sit and see the strings, the schemes, the lies and the truths, to try and pull and twist them yourself and come crashing down, down, down. You want it all to stop coming apart at the seams.

 _You_ want to stop coming apart at the seams.

Instead, here you are, crying harder than you think you’ve ever had when _you should be happy, what’s wrong with you_. Everyone is watching you, trying comfort you, just wanting you to _smile and be happy, because everything’s wonderful!_

But it’s all a lie.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, my fellow Homestucks! I hope you enjoyed this 


End file.
